How to talk to a girl you like — the 3 best rules if you are shy

How to talk to a girl you like is Googled over 8,100 times per month.

Limitless amounts of opinions from Reddit, Quora, and YouTube can start to make your head pound after a while. You know what I mean, right?

The people that just tell you to go for it, without any real knowledge to back it up.

Not surprisingly, if you decided to follow advice from many of these sources, here’s what your day would look like:

9:00am. Meditate for 15 min.
9:15am. Start a gratitude journal.
9:30am. Workout.
11am. Swipe through Bumble.
12pm. Eat whatever diet is trendy.
1pm. Swipe through Tinder.
2pm. Be vulnerable and dm a friend for advice.
2:20pm. Friend dm’s you back, “Dude, you just have to go for it.”
3pm. Throw a post on Instagram and use the right hashtags.

Wait wait. Instagram?

UGHHHH. You can’t see, but I’m secretly doing this with my fingers, which means I’m eager to start making fun of someone:

Shark Tank Investor Kevin O'Leary
Shark Tank Investor Kevin O’Leary

Right now, the fad is Instagram.

Morons posting pictures of themselves on the edge of the cliff looking at nothing at a 45 degree angle. I want to slap every person I see that does a photo like this.

Instagram Influencer
Instagram “Influencer”

Hey, Influencer schmuck, you look like an idiot. You are risking your life for a photograph? For likes?

Anyways, I digress.

When I Google something, I look for everlasting advice. Simple rules that work, regardless of whatever craze is currently happening on Earth.

That’s what I wanted to create for you. Three simple rules that would have worked in the 50’s and will work in the year 2050.

The rules are built around core fundamentals of human behavior: emotional intelligence, psychology, and social skills.

Oh! The best part? They work, even if you are SUPER shy. Let’s go through them.

Rule #1: See life through her lens

Let’s pretend a girl you like is going to Europe next week.

Map of Europe
Map of Europe

Let’s call her Martha.

Now, let’s also pretend you just went to Malaga, Spain 14 days ago and stuffed your face with crunchy, perfectly-baked beige baguettes (Mmmmm…).

Crunchy baguettes
Crunchy baguettes

As Martha is telling you about her itinerary and plans, instead of waiting to see if she is going to any of the cities or places you went to, put yourself in her shoes by asking yourself the following:

  • Why is she going?
  • What will it do for her?
  • Is it a vacation?
  • How will it make her feel?

Only after you had these inner conversations should you talk about your own experience. In other words, the goal should be: What’s in it for them?

Thinking this way allows you to understand how to talk to a girl you like if you are shy and see life through her lens. This. Is. EQ.

If you are not familiar with emotional intelligence, here’s a template you can use anytime using what I call, The I Imagine Maneuver.

Here’s how it works:

Take what you know about what it’s going to do for them, by envisioning putting yourself in their shoes.

So, if we are using the Europe example, here’s how to talk to a girl you like over text (you are blue):

The I Imagine Maneuver
The I Imagine Maneuver

The template:

“Oh that’s really cool [insert her name]. I imagine that it is going to [insert whatever it’s going to do for her]. It is probably going to [insert something else you know it will do].”

Once she realizes that you understand the FEELING it will give her, you have won her attention.

Why?

Because you showed that you UNDERSTAND her. You understand the experience, possible stress involved, decisions she has to make, opportunity cost of not going, etc.

See, even if you are shy and never had a proper girlfriend, you can still follow this template.

No more worrying about what goddamn move to make next. You are prepared, regardless of if you have had a girlfriend or not in the past.

And again you aren’t looking to tell her about your experience, you are instead, providing tons of value.

  • A bad listener prioritizes on discussing about his own experience.
  • A good listener prioritizes on learning about the other person’s experience.

You are listening to LEARN, not listening to TALK. There’s a stark difference and this will literally allow you to debunk the burning question of, how talk to any girl you like?

It will also allow you to be comfortable and not get ignored no matter the circumstance.

Rule #2. Get out and explore to adapt to any conversation

Adapt like a Chameleon
Adapt like a Chameleon

If invited you to a wine & cheese party, but you knew nothing about wine, would you leave the party knowing more than you did when you first arrived?

If you are a sane human being, then the answer is yes. Which means you added a new subject matter to your “bag” of topics.

Now what would you get if you compounded that mentality once a week for the rest of the year?

52 DIFFERENT TOPICS ADDED TO YOUR BAG OF JUICY TOPICS!

  • Doing the same shit = boring.
  • Doing different shit = fun.

All these little decisions to get out and explore may seem trivial and inconsequential, but they add up quickly.  

Here’s how how little micro decision make a big difference:

Let’s look at two guys: Mark & Jacob.

Mark is stuck in his ways, challenges himself once or so a month, if that, but is living a relatively routine life.

Jacob, on the other hand, has made the internal decision to improve himself by exploring, hanging out with others, etc. He cares about his personal growth, which I’m guessing, you do too?

A couple weeks goes by, yet both men are relatively the same. No big changes from the outside perspective.

Fast forward a year and now you are starting to notice some significant differences. Mark hasn’t progressed much in his social life. He will go on a date on occasion, but finds faults with women and still has a cynical attitude.

Jacob has opened his eyes and widened his perspective due to these small uncomfortable situations he’s put himself in over the course of a year.
He doesn’t sweat the small stuff and can adapt to conversations much easier because he’s done them — first hand.

Women start to notice Jacob. He’s well-rounded, has a much more positive, can-do attitude than Mark, and sees the good in people.

Mark is still frustrated that women don’t find him attractive and he thinks the world is against him.

+++

See where I’m going with this?

As you interact with people more and more, you polish your ability to adapt better to the world. You become well-rounded and someone that can have fun in any environment he’s put in.

As I’m sure you know, personal growth does not happen overnight. It’s a process and being hard on yourself doesn’t do you any good whatsoever.

Explore. Adapt. Repeat. This is how you become a chameleon.

Rule #3: Talk about your passions and don’t hold back

My guy friends and I always ask each other hilarious, hypothetical questions. We know they don’t make any sense, but they are fun.

We’ll ask each other something like, “For 5 MILLION dollars WOULD you let a GRIZZLY BEAR chase you through a forest for 2 minutes?!”

Emotional conversations
Emotional conversations

We do this several times a week randomly because they are exciting, fun questions to ask.

It gets us to envision what it would be like to go through that forest and RUN away from a bear. What do you think that does? It gets us excited and triggers our emotions.

Emotion trumps everything

Most of what we do is based on emotion. What we buy. The people we hang out with. How we feel about someone or something.

There could be scenarios where you and someone else may not have common interests, but perhaps there are emotions you share with that person.

Let’s say you love to code, but I love video editing. Two different things, right?

However, we share the fact that we love the attention to detail it takes to build something.

So although what we do is not related, we are still connecting because we share the emotions that come out of the experience.

Make sense?

To find commonality with women, there is one caveat and that is you have to be honest about who you are 24/7. No holding back.  

Speak openly about your passions and what you love to allow yourself to develop that EMOTIONAL connection with her.

Watch, let me show you another example.

  • I love to bike, but I hate running.
  • You like to run, but you hate biking.

We clearly would never workout on a Sunday morning together at 8:30 in the morning, but we do share the conclusion.

The great feeling after working out.

However, I wouldn’t have known this if you just tried to be agreeable and liked the things I liked.

By keeping things real you won’t believe what this will do for others around you.

You come off much more authentic and real when you are honest about who you are. This authenticity is sexy for women and allows both of you to connect.

So next time you are wondering, “I get so nervous I can’t think” talk about your passions.

Easy action steps:

Alright, here’s what I want you to try for the next 30 days. Just try this out and watch how confident you start to become.

  • Listen more than you speak. In every conversation, with a man or woman, starting building a habit of waiting until the other person is done speaking before you speak.
  • Empathy. Consistently put yourself in the other person’s shoes when you speak to them. Ask yourself, “Why is this important TO THEM?”
  • Expose yourself to new experiences. Make a goal 1x a week to do something new. I don’t care what it is. Search for stuff in your area using meetup.com.
  • Burn the apps. Delete every dating app on your phone for 30 days and see what happens. Don’t worry, you can always download them again.

It’s your choice to follow the action steps or not.

You make your choices and then your choices, make you. — CLICK TO TWEET!


l would love to hear your comments, thoughts, or stories. Or just let me know what you liked or didn’t like. This is all helpful in creating more content like this.

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